Facebook

Having recently discovered the interactive social website Facebook, I am struck by many conflicting thoughts and emotions. On the one hand, connecting with family and reconnecting with long lost friends, many of whom I have not seen for over thirty years, has been as illuminating as it has been cathartic.  It has taken me back the the beginning of things.  A friend of mine admonished me not to look too much to the past as I run the risk of going off track.  While I may enjoy remembering my many friends of yesteryear and exploring their connection to me and mine to them, I know I do not live in the past.  There is no danger of being lost there. (And the admonishment is appreciated.  Thanks, Fred.)

I was surprised to discover that, while I may share many of the passions and beliefs of my friends, I do not necessarily share them all. Or even most of them.  But this diversity is a true test of friendship. I have never completely agreed with anyone about everything in my entire life.  The same can be said for all of us.

On the other hand, I realize there are many people I would rather have forgotten.  Those peripheral acquaintances I barely knew or never liked much to begin with. Or relationships from my past that did not necessarily end well, the memories of which conjure a completely different range of emotions altogether.  

These serve to remind me that there is no requirement to 'Friend' everyone I've ever known.  Sometimes it is best to leave the past firmly in the past.  Sometimes it is best to be selective.

And then there are long lost friends I have wished to add to my growing list who have never responded to my 'Friend' requests.  Could it be that the memory of my affection for them and theirs for me is a result of my over active imagination and sentimental nature?  It is a possibility.

Thankfully, that does not ring true to me in every case. I have not responded to friend requests I may have intended to.  I have been known to unintentionally hit 'Ignore' instead of 'Confirm' on more than a few occasions.  

I also realize that I do not necessarily want to know so much about so many. The trivia can be overwhelming. It can also be addicting.

Facebook can be likened to a large social gathering.  In that gathering are friends, friends of friends, acquaintances, and strangers.  Some I would like to get to know better and others I have no interest in. Conversations range from heady to nonsensical- deep to trivial- and the only prerequisite for gaining anything seems to be my willingness to participate.

As in any social gathering- be it a party or event- there are groupings. As I drift from one group to the next, conversations rise and fall. Some I choose to include myself in while others I choose to ignore.  Sometimes my contribution acts as a motor to drive the discussion in a totally new and fresh direction.  At other times I know people would pay real money for me to shut up.  But such is the way of things.

One fact has become crystal clear, and this serves to remind me of just how egocentric I really am, I suppose.  It is a little disconcerting to read about oneself in the third person.  Being a player in someone else's life story.  It's not an altogether comfortable realization. Let's face it. We are all accustomed to being center stage in our respective lives, are we not?  We would all like to believe that we have some semblance of control over how we are remembered or how we are perceived.

Facebook has reminded me of the folly of such thinking.  There is no control and there never has been.

One thing I know.  Remembering, sharing, bantering, and connecting are good things.  The experience has served to remind me of the person I once was, while fortifying the person I have become.  It is a welcome realization to discover as much as I think I may have changed, I really haven't changed that much.

I'm going to shut up now.

Rent

I wrote about the personal crisis my recent job loss presented me with in my blog last January. (see "The New Age.")  I struggled with the realization that my identity was intricately woven into the fabric of my chosen profession. How the sudden loss of that profession left me adrift and directionless. How the years of daily toil created a limbo of habit, stagnation and stalemate. Personal growth, aside from the occasional spurt, had all but stopped. Trust me when I tell you, all of these issues have my full attention now.

Another month has come and is almost gone. Rent is past due. Again. The hamster wheel that has become my existence never slows and never grows tired. I find myself exhausted and running- around and around- just trying to keep pace with its relentless spinning. It is never easy when one realizes they have been going in circles.  I relive each new month like it was the one that had just passed.  The same challenges.  The same stresses.  The same self-doubt.  The same temporary 'day by day' existence I have suffered since October, 2009.  

And it makes me dizzy...

None of this is meant to suggest that each new month doesn't have its own unique challenges and small victories. June was June and July was July.  Each month was different from the one that came before. Each was a time unto itself. The problem is one of perspective.  

When faced with living day by day, weeks and even months become less and less defined.  They bleed into each other, further blurring the lines that should set them apart, homogenizing them and robbing them of the gifts they bring, all the while serving to numb my emotions and cloud my judgment.  They fast become a memory colored by the fear of what may come and the relief from having survived long enough to catch my breath- all before returning to the treadmill to start it all over again.  

I know many would suggest that I need to have more faith.  But faith is not a commodity measured in terms of volume.  Having faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.  I think I have at least that much.


No, faith is more than a commodity.  It is a substance of the soul. How much one has is never the question.  What one does with the faith they have is.  

I once wrote, “Faith is an intangible thing.  It is its own evidence- its own confirmation.  With every step we take in faith and trust, the path becomes clearer.  It is self-fulfilling.  Like love, it is a choice we make even when we don't feel something to be true.  It is an object of knowing without the luxury of outside evidence.  We can see the presence of faith in the outcome that it produces.  It's like the air.  We can't actually see it moving, but can see its affect on the tree leaves… on the clouds… the earth."  

There are great truths in this text that I wish I could take credit for, but I cannot.  Truths never originate with the person who speaks or writes them, they are only observed and shared.  That said, the real trick is discovering how these truths apply. This 'trick' has always been my shortfall.  

Take my current circumstance.  My rent is late again.  I found myself having to write a check I could not- and still cannot- completely cover. As I did this, I became aware that the simple act of writing that check was an act of faith.  It was the step I had to take to make my path clearer.  And I felt great peace while doing it.  

I found some relief through the generosity of an old, old friend. While the need is still present, the fact remains that I exercised what little faith I had and partial provision came.  That is not the first time this has happened. 


This simple act further serves to strengthen the gift of faith inside and elevates my daily existence to something far greater than tedium and redundancy.  It is a hamster wheel of another kind.  One that I gladly embrace, or at least try to.

I am more aware than ever that I am not 'renting' my existence.  I own it. Though I had no choice in being a part of creation, I realize that I do have a choice over the stewardship of the creation that is me. I can choose to perceive and live my life in a number of ways.  I can allow the nauseating carousel of fear and worry to consume me, or I can aim higher.  Sounds simple doesn't it?

It is not.

But that's okay.  The most meaningful lessons are the one's most hard fought.  They are the ones of true importance. They are the only one's I should allow to color my world.  The maddening carousel that has become my daily life has revealed a basic truth I had forgotten:  


It is only through ownership of my life that I can escape the cycle of 'renting'  my existence.

Now, you will have to excuse me.  I need to go and check my mailbox...

The New Age

Finding myself out of work with little opportunity on the horizon is dizzying. I simply cannot make the pieces fit together. My emotions go from sheer panic to paralyzing fear to placid acceptance.

I am certain, given the current economy, that thousands share my predicament, but that is of little comfort. It has never been true that the knowledge of another's suffering will somehow alleviate your own. The internal process in this circumstance is too singular and isolating for that.

So here I am- middle-aged, out of work, and running on empty.

And I am numb. I can't tell if the feeling of numbness is an emotional shutdown, or the peace that comes when there is an inner knowledge that everything will work out. I really cannot tell.

My friends tell me their sense is that something great is on the horizon. They mean well, but I get the feeling that many are so entrenched in the pop-culture 'feel good' mentality that pervades the thinking of the day, that they are simply unable to distinguish between their desire not to be bothered with another's problems and their sincere belief in the universe's benevolent intent. Regardless of the driving force behind their affirmations,  I sometimes find myself thinking their encouragements are self-serving and, as a result, suspicious.

Or is that too cynical?  Have I become hardened to those around me? Am I so stuck in this spiral that I'm not thinking clearly?  I suspect this is the case and those around me are indeed sincere in their beliefs that something good will come of this.  For their optimism, I am grateful.

Me? I find the process of getting back to work a lot more difficult than I would have imagined. I really had no idea of the extent my identity was intertwined with working. I was not at all prepared for the emotional void that would follow. 

Although there is the challenge of finding meaningful employment (and I do mean 'meaningful' not just 'gainful'...)  the greater challenge for me has been one of self-discovery.

Is this true for everyone? Has anyone else discovered self-defeating and destructive habits in their processes? Has anyone else spent so much time in the limbo of their respective careers that they became anesthetized to their shortcomings? Was I alone with my head firmly buried in the sand while the months and years ticked by without experiencing so much as a single moment of growth?

It feels that way.

Now I stand staring at the image in the mirror wondering who I am. The image that stares back is indeed older, but is it any wiser...?