The New Age

Finding myself out of work with little opportunity on the horizon is dizzying. I simply cannot make the pieces fit together. My emotions go from sheer panic to paralyzing fear to placid acceptance.

I am certain, given the current economy, that thousands share my predicament, but that is of little comfort. It has never been true that the knowledge of another's suffering will somehow alleviate your own. The internal process in this circumstance is too singular and isolating for that.

So here I am- middle-aged, out of work, and running on empty.

And I am numb. I can't tell if the feeling of numbness is an emotional shutdown, or the peace that comes when there is an inner knowledge that everything will work out. I really cannot tell.

My friends tell me their sense is that something great is on the horizon. They mean well, but I get the feeling that many are so entrenched in the pop-culture 'feel good' mentality that pervades the thinking of the day, that they are simply unable to distinguish between their desire not to be bothered with another's problems and their sincere belief in the universe's benevolent intent. Regardless of the driving force behind their affirmations,  I sometimes find myself thinking their encouragements are self-serving and, as a result, suspicious.

Or is that too cynical?  Have I become hardened to those around me? Am I so stuck in this spiral that I'm not thinking clearly?  I suspect this is the case and those around me are indeed sincere in their beliefs that something good will come of this.  For their optimism, I am grateful.

Me? I find the process of getting back to work a lot more difficult than I would have imagined. I really had no idea of the extent my identity was intertwined with working. I was not at all prepared for the emotional void that would follow. 

Although there is the challenge of finding meaningful employment (and I do mean 'meaningful' not just 'gainful'...)  the greater challenge for me has been one of self-discovery.

Is this true for everyone? Has anyone else discovered self-defeating and destructive habits in their processes? Has anyone else spent so much time in the limbo of their respective careers that they became anesthetized to their shortcomings? Was I alone with my head firmly buried in the sand while the months and years ticked by without experiencing so much as a single moment of growth?

It feels that way.

Now I stand staring at the image in the mirror wondering who I am. The image that stares back is indeed older, but is it any wiser...?