Rent

I wrote about the personal crisis my recent job loss presented me with in my blog last January. (see "The New Age.")  I struggled with the realization that my identity was intricately woven into the fabric of my chosen profession. How the sudden loss of that profession left me adrift and directionless. How the years of daily toil created a limbo of habit, stagnation and stalemate. Personal growth, aside from the occasional spurt, had all but stopped. Trust me when I tell you, all of these issues have my full attention now.

Another month has come and is almost gone. Rent is past due. Again. The hamster wheel that has become my existence never slows and never grows tired. I find myself exhausted and running- around and around- just trying to keep pace with its relentless spinning. It is never easy when one realizes they have been going in circles.  I relive each new month like it was the one that had just passed.  The same challenges.  The same stresses.  The same self-doubt.  The same temporary 'day by day' existence I have suffered since October, 2009.  

And it makes me dizzy...

None of this is meant to suggest that each new month doesn't have its own unique challenges and small victories. June was June and July was July.  Each month was different from the one that came before. Each was a time unto itself. The problem is one of perspective.  

When faced with living day by day, weeks and even months become less and less defined.  They bleed into each other, further blurring the lines that should set them apart, homogenizing them and robbing them of the gifts they bring, all the while serving to numb my emotions and cloud my judgment.  They fast become a memory colored by the fear of what may come and the relief from having survived long enough to catch my breath- all before returning to the treadmill to start it all over again.  

I know many would suggest that I need to have more faith.  But faith is not a commodity measured in terms of volume.  Having faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains.  I think I have at least that much.


No, faith is more than a commodity.  It is a substance of the soul. How much one has is never the question.  What one does with the faith they have is.  

I once wrote, “Faith is an intangible thing.  It is its own evidence- its own confirmation.  With every step we take in faith and trust, the path becomes clearer.  It is self-fulfilling.  Like love, it is a choice we make even when we don't feel something to be true.  It is an object of knowing without the luxury of outside evidence.  We can see the presence of faith in the outcome that it produces.  It's like the air.  We can't actually see it moving, but can see its affect on the tree leaves… on the clouds… the earth."  

There are great truths in this text that I wish I could take credit for, but I cannot.  Truths never originate with the person who speaks or writes them, they are only observed and shared.  That said, the real trick is discovering how these truths apply. This 'trick' has always been my shortfall.  

Take my current circumstance.  My rent is late again.  I found myself having to write a check I could not- and still cannot- completely cover. As I did this, I became aware that the simple act of writing that check was an act of faith.  It was the step I had to take to make my path clearer.  And I felt great peace while doing it.  

I found some relief through the generosity of an old, old friend. While the need is still present, the fact remains that I exercised what little faith I had and partial provision came.  That is not the first time this has happened. 


This simple act further serves to strengthen the gift of faith inside and elevates my daily existence to something far greater than tedium and redundancy.  It is a hamster wheel of another kind.  One that I gladly embrace, or at least try to.

I am more aware than ever that I am not 'renting' my existence.  I own it. Though I had no choice in being a part of creation, I realize that I do have a choice over the stewardship of the creation that is me. I can choose to perceive and live my life in a number of ways.  I can allow the nauseating carousel of fear and worry to consume me, or I can aim higher.  Sounds simple doesn't it?

It is not.

But that's okay.  The most meaningful lessons are the one's most hard fought.  They are the ones of true importance. They are the only one's I should allow to color my world.  The maddening carousel that has become my daily life has revealed a basic truth I had forgotten:  


It is only through ownership of my life that I can escape the cycle of 'renting'  my existence.

Now, you will have to excuse me.  I need to go and check my mailbox...